Episode 8
Boundaries Banter: A Toolbox for Healthy Inner Circles
Welcome to the Love Yourself Louder Podcast with Nicole DeFelice! Join Nicole on a playful journey to wholehearted living as she explores all things personal growth, getting intentional about practicing self-love, and unleashing courageous confidence!
Join Sam and Nicole in this lively episode where they share reflect on their journeys navigating the maze of establishing healthy boundaries and share practical tips for defining and communicating your non-negotiable needs in yuor relationships.
- Boundary Basics - Discover the meaning and importance of healthy boundaries with relatable examples: The Brick Wall, The Doormat, and The Yoga Ball.
- Circles of Connection - Break down the Inner, Middle, and Outer Boundary Circles in your life and discuss the process of promoting or downgrading people within these circles.
- Communication Tips - Learn how to self-check for effective communication that embodies ownership, tackle brave conversations with "I" statements and preserve individuality within your relationships.
Tune in, giggle at the banter with them, and start weaving intentional self-love into the fabric of your beautiful life with healthy boundaries and clear expectations for your circles of connection!
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Transcript
Now I have the giggle. Okay.
Speaker:That's weird. That's what girls do into the pillow. What? What did you just say? What?
Speaker:I'm gonna make that the loop at the beginning now.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Hey there friends! In this episode Sam and I are back and we're talking about healthy boundaries,
Speaker:getting clear about defining your own boundaries, and how to communicate your boundaries to others.
Speaker:Welcome back, Sam. Hello! What, too aggressive? No, it was good. So let's kick it off. Let's
Speaker:kick off this convo about boundaries. Boundaries.
Speaker:so Nicole what do boundaries mean to you? fuck this is awkward all right go ahead what do
Speaker:you mean? go ahead with what? oh my oh you switched it around yeah so what do boundaries mean to
Speaker:you? why are they important to you?
Speaker:That's why you were supposed to ask me that question. Am I supposed to ask you this question?
Speaker:Yeah, I don't... Sam to Nicole. Oh, okay. Wow. This is gonna be fun, isn't it? Oh, Sam...
Speaker:Yeah, Sam to Nicole! You asked me this question. If you want me to ask you this question...
Speaker:We've been going back and forth about this. So you want me... No, I didn't want to. I wanted
Speaker:to ask it to you. But you were just supposed to be asking it to me! Oh my god. That's what
Speaker:Sam to Nicole means. It means you ask it to me. We the boundaries. If the structure of
Speaker:this question is awkward for you, rephrase it in whatever way is going to be normal.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:It's gonna be a good B-roll.
Speaker:Alright so boundaries, what do they mean? What do they mean to I guess me because I can't
Speaker:ask you because you have the giggles. So boundaries, this is something that I've been thinking about
Speaker:quite a bit especially the last five to ten years of my personal development. So what that
Speaker:means is that is how we control how we interact. with others, how we interact with our family,
Speaker:how we interact with our friends, how we interact with our co-workers, our employers, our children,
Speaker:strangers. So what we allow people to get away with in our lives and what we say, hey, pump
Speaker:the brakes, that's not acceptable in my sphere, in my world. or my family's world. So something
Speaker:as simple as, all right, I have friends that can walk through the door without knocking
Speaker:and that's absolutely okay. Would I allow a stranger or an acquaintance to do that? No.
Speaker:Definitely not. No. So I mean it's just a very black and white version of setting a boundary.
Speaker:I don't want you to come inside my house without, you know, knocking and announcing your presence.
Speaker:Yeah, like a physical. That's like a physical boundary. Yeah. Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's,
Speaker:that's a really good, like broad definition for sure. I think for me, it's like,
Speaker:healthy boundaries to me is like, like compassionately communicating to people. like what my needs
Speaker:are. in order for us to maintain like a connected relationship, I think. Because I think a lot
Speaker:of times there's like this idea that like your boundary is like this firm way of creating
Speaker:distance. And when I think about a boundary, I'm thinking about it in a way of just like,
Speaker:I'm just sharing with you like, this is actually what I need for me to feel more connected with
Speaker:where disconnection lives? Well disconnection can live there, animosity can exist there,
Speaker:frustration, resentment, all those things can happen when you don't set healthy boundaries.
Speaker:Plus you don't have a healthy relationship if that's happening. So again you know that's
Speaker:why they're important. If you have a relationship where it's one-sided and it's they come to
Speaker:tell you their world's falling apart all the time and they want you to come fix their problem
Speaker:all the time and you're so excited you want to tell them something happy that happened
Speaker:in your life and they clearly don't have the capacity to listen to that important thing
Speaker:they don't have the capacity for your share like you know that You might need to have to
Speaker:establish a boundary. There's clearly not a healthy boundary there. They're pulling more
Speaker:from you and then you're getting back from them. And that's not a healthy relationship. You're
Speaker:not meant to be a sounding bag or a solver of all problems or a personal therapist. These
Speaker:are relationships, they're given play. You're sharing in life experiences. So... it's that
Speaker:one one-sided and we've had some friends that was the case and you know now we're in much
Speaker:healthier places you know we just had a friend visit and now it's we had a great dinner good
Speaker:interactions our kids are playing together polar opposite from where that relationship was say
Speaker:six years ago. It sounds like to you that um it's important that your relationships are
Speaker:mutually beneficial and that like you hope and anticipate that what you invest in that relationship,
Speaker:you will also receive. And so when that pull of that give and take is out of whack for a
Speaker:while, that is when you feel you need to set a new boundary to be like, hey, you're not
Speaker:fulfilling my need of connection here. This relationship is no longer mutually beneficial.
Speaker:Yes. Yeah, for sure. And I think, like, two, when I think about boundaries, I think about
Speaker:it in, like, three different ways. And I think two of them are, like, not so healthy ways,
Speaker:and one of them is, like, the goal, like the place you want to be going to. And I think
Speaker:we each could probably speak to one of these, like, pretty deeply. But just, like, I'll just
Speaker:kind of kick us off with, like, an example, like, a high level of, like, what these are.
Speaker:boundaries, a brick wall, a doormat, and a yoga ball. Is there one of those types of boundaries
Speaker:that you feel like, I remember a time when I was maybe that? Oh brick wall baby. So listen,
Speaker:Nick Nicole said not healthy bad. I'm gonna caveat that. Sometimes when you go through
Speaker:your healing process Sometimes it's gonna be needed because there are moments, but the trick
Speaker:is you just can't stay there
Speaker:I have a strong boundary with my family. And then when I was going through one of my personal
Speaker:growth things, I recognize that maybe I did have a wall around, or better yet, I recently
Speaker:went on a trip out to Utah, and I found myself very cut off and secluded, even though I thought
Speaker:I was being social. I found these amazing new friends that I met, and... I kind of had this,
Speaker:I didn't realize that in my healing process I didn't recognize that there was a wall there
Speaker:and then one of my good friends had to just kind of say, hey it's okay man you're in a
Speaker:good healthy place and I was like holy crow I had a wall there I thought it was a boundary
Speaker:and because in that the trick is with walls we don't allow ourselves to experience.
Speaker:to learn new things, to develop new relationships. So I didn't even recognize it until I kind
Speaker:of had to get kind of woken up and been like hey it's okay you're here with new friends
Speaker:you're safe. Then I was able to transition from that wall to just being a nice healthy boundary.
Speaker:So just recognize those things that sometimes you think you might set a boundary and it might
Speaker:be a wall. The
Speaker:but the trick is you need to have a level of vulnerability to establish growth, personal
Speaker:growth, right? You got to, you know, no growth inside the comfort zones. You got to get into
Speaker:those uncomfortable places. So it's okay, you recognize you have a brick wall, sit back,
Speaker:self-reflect, identify that you're in a good healthy place and know transition out of that
Speaker:so you can that's something that can absolutely yeah I think I'm like the brick wall example
Speaker:of a healthy boundary, I think that is... I think the brick wall example of a boundary
Speaker:is not so healthy if the brick wall is your boundary for everything all the time with everyone,
Speaker:right? Like, like there with boundaries, I think there's like a formula
Speaker:It's like, where am I in time in my journey in regards to this boundary? What is the setting,
Speaker:the environment that I'm in relation to this boundary? And then what is my relationship
Speaker:like with this person, with this boundary? So it's like, there might be times when the brick
Speaker:wall, if it's all the time with everyone, you're never vulnerable, it's always rigid, it's always
Speaker:firm, your boundaries are very the messages stay out, and I think that is an example of
Speaker:a not healthy boundary, but I do think that there are times when the brick wall example...
Speaker:is needed because like that time place or person scenario has come up where it's like they need
Speaker:a like something has changed or you haven't clearly communicated up until this point and
Speaker:so like they need the wall to understand the boundary well when you have a wall you're going
Speaker:to have your greatest level of safety and security right um but you might be a tendency not to
Speaker:allow others in who can bring you up to that next level so but so many of what you so much
Speaker:of what you just said paired on self reflection being cognizant of oneself. If you were being
Speaker:self reflective, if you were being cognizant of yourself, and your own how you're developing
Speaker:you're ready to move out from that wall yeah the problem is when you are you're not ready
Speaker:to move on you kind of that's why I used that ed reference because it was kind of a little
Speaker:shake in the shoulders saying hey it's okay because I wasn't cognizant I wasn't self-aware
Speaker:so when you're talking about that self-awareness self-reflection growth is happening so that
Speaker:means you're working your way of getting transitioning out of that So that's a good, very good point.
Speaker:I think it's so funny that in the past, probably you were a good example for the brick wall
Speaker:boundary because I was, in the past, I was on the complete other end of the spectrum of the
Speaker:not so healthy boundary example of being a doormat. And can you, like people I'm sure who have
Speaker:been in my life for the past 10 years, I'm sure have heard me in the past say this many times,
Speaker:I would just be like, I am a doormat. I would literally say this to people. How many times
Speaker:have I said that to you? Well, you, you are a very if it doesn't come across in the podcast
Speaker:and your books and your, and your blogs, if it doesn't come across, I don't know what else
Speaker:I can say, you're a very compassionate person. I think people who are at their core are very
Speaker:compassionate,
Speaker:I have a tendency to put those walls up because I have a tendency between my law enforcement
Speaker:career, my military career, I have a tendency to kind of harden myself and as a safety function
Speaker:put up those hard walls. So I think that's why we have those natural tendencies. So you being
Speaker:a you say doormat, I say people pleaser. Both of those things apply. They are and you feel
Speaker:like the bad guy by putting up those boundaries. You feel guilty in putting up those boundaries.
Speaker:And you know this podcast is about self-love and self-care right? We got to keep you got
Speaker:to keep that in mind when you're setting that healthy boundary. Yeah. And I'm saying healthy
Speaker:because it's a good thing. Even though like when you're a people pleaser and you have to
Speaker:set that boundary, you feel dirty and I know that I've talked to you about that and you
Speaker:feel like it's a negative, but. On the outside of that, once you your friendship develops
Speaker:in a more healthy fashion, you know, you feel that goodness, that positivity that comes from
Speaker:that. Yeah, I think like looking at the dorm at example of not so healthy boundaries, what
Speaker:it really is, or essentially it is like a lack of boundaries that you actually
Speaker:not even aware that they are crossing any of your boundaries or your threshold for your
Speaker:needs, because essentially, like, you have not communicated that to them, because you, like,
Speaker:you are, and I'm saying, I'm saying this, me, okay, in the past, like, I know that there
Speaker:were times when I felt like a doormat and that people were rolling all over my boundaries,
Speaker:but it really was because I what had been in the past, like in such a people please our
Speaker:kind of framework, um, that I really prioritized other people's wants and needs over my own,
Speaker:and that I very much attached, like, my value and my self-worth to being able to, like, fulfill
Speaker:the needs of others. And so, in the beginning of, like, really doing the deep work on boundaries,
Speaker:like, even setting super small boundaries, was really, really stretching and hard for me.
Speaker:So as you're saying that, you're, you being, and I hate using the term doormat, but I use,
Speaker:I think of you as a people pleaser. As you're talking about that. I'm gonna ask you to help.
Speaker:I'm gonna ask you to help me reframe this by saying when you thought of me in the past tense
Speaker:as a people pleaser. Okay, that's fair. Cause I don't wanna be a people pleaser. Did I use
Speaker:present tense? You did. And like, I don't want you to do that I'm not that person anymore.
Speaker:Call me out. That's what we do. No, that's a good healthy. That's a healthy boundary. I
Speaker:was kind of thinking about that and sorry, I didn't mean to sound very robotic. I was talking
Speaker:about that. As far as when it comes to the doormat for my professional, you know, me professionally
Speaker:speaking, I had both my different jobs that didn't. respect my boundaries and it was just
Speaker:calling at all times of the day and Expectations of me doing work when I when it was not in
Speaker:the work capacity. I remember, you know because I'm Not full-time military. I was part-time
Speaker:military, but full-time in my law enforcement career and expectations is I'm doing 20 to
Speaker:30 hours off the clock in a non-duty status. Yeah. You know, when I'm sitting there and
Speaker:I'm trying to spend time with my daughters, I'm trying to spend time with you. I'm like,
Speaker:your ask is Way more and then I remember I remember that was one of the first real times in my
Speaker:life where I Stopped I drew a line in the sand and I said no This is my family time I'm not
Speaker:in a duty status. I'm not on duty at work. I'm not being compensated in any way I'm not working
Speaker:right now. Yeah, and holy cow you would think I was the greatest villain in some sort of
Speaker:superhero movie by establishing a boundary. But the problem was is because like you said,
Speaker:people pleaser always trying to help me always trying to go that extra mile at work that you
Speaker:have actually created the expectation you had created your own expectation that violated
Speaker:your own boundary Yep, and then like and this is the hard part. This is the hard part is
Speaker:gaining back that territory once you've given it to somebody because it's like and we talk
Speaker:like I talk about this so often now like with people with people who meet me now and establish
Speaker:a new relationship with me now as like the healed and whole person that I am today with a much
Speaker:like healthier self-image and like a better understanding of my self-worth like I have
Speaker:clean slate versus people you've known for 10, 20 years or your whole life where you've got
Speaker:like so many rituals and routines, years and years worth of potentially allowing these people
Speaker:to cross your boundaries or you unintentionally training them to cross your boundaries. And
Speaker:then once you become healed and whole and you're like, actually, this doesn't feel good for
Speaker:me.
Speaker:and the hardest boundaries then to enforce because you're like I did this and now I have to like
Speaker:communicate to this person like I Know that I told you that this was okay, or I led you
Speaker:to believe that this was okay for the past 10 20 30 years But this is actually really hurtful
Speaker:for me. You know like and then you have to untrain that person It's just like those are the hardest
Speaker:boundaries to reestablish ground on I can still remember the day Where I was instructed off-duty
Speaker:non-duty status instructed to update all these PowerPoints and do these evaluation reports
Speaker:and do this and do that hours and hours of work and it was like I had excuse me I had you know
Speaker:transitional custody with one child and I had you know next child and we were going to do
Speaker:a family function. We're going to some local fair and it was a great weekend. I was like,
Speaker:no, I got called to the carpet screaming and yelling and I'm like, like you, you cannot
Speaker:order me in a non-duty status and the look on his face. And I was like, I, you can counsel
Speaker:me and write me up and I'm not that type of dude, but. I never felt so right in that very
Speaker:moment. I remember standing there at parade rest and I was like, no, this is right. This
Speaker:is we're moving in a new direction, folks. Yeah. And that was my launching pad from where I
Speaker:was like, OK, we're going to establish new healthy work. life boundaries and I remember that moment
Speaker:and it was so it just felt right in my heart and it was tough it was a tough talk um some
Speaker:people weren't happy like you said and I take blame because maybe I did condition them because
Speaker:you know you want to be the best professional soldier you want to be the best professional
Speaker:officer you want to be the professional blah um Yeah, but you want to know what else? I
Speaker:need to go have corn dogs at the fair with my family. Fried pickles. You have fried pickles.
Speaker:I will have a donut bacon cheeseburger. I went through though, like a very... Don't tell my
Speaker:cardiologist. He knows. I had one. The blood, the blood don't lie. The blood, the labs don't
Speaker:lie. I, like, I very much understand
Speaker:what a healthy boundary and a healthy balance is in like work and professional life. Like
Speaker:I remember being, you know, like a young woman highly invested in her career and, you know,
Speaker:I'd work my 40 hours in the office and I was very passionate about the work that I did and
Speaker:I would take the work home with me and I, they were definitely getting more than 40 hours
Speaker:of work from me. Of course! the office to being remote, you know, I was working from home,
Speaker:my boundaries got even more murky because it was like, you know, the laptop is only just
Speaker:one room away and like your personal time would bleed into your professional time and vice
Speaker:versa. And now I've been working from home, geez, for... My goodness, like, it lea- like,
Speaker:probably eight years, I think, now. I've been working from home in one capacity or another
Speaker:for eight years. And so, over that time, I have gleaned so much about having healthy personal
Speaker:and work life boundaries. And to me, it is actually essential for me, like, showing up and giving
Speaker:100% of my best in both of those arenas. And now, you know, that I'm at- in a leadership
Speaker:capacity, I feel like a heightened sense to model what a healthy personal and professional
Speaker:life balance and boundary looks like for the people that I steward, because I don't want
Speaker:to be creating a working environment or a company culture that like encourages people to work
Speaker:themselves. Ah, you just, I was going to say a sentence and then you just... I took it!
Speaker:I'm taking you there. I'm taking you there. You can piggyback on it. Like as a leader,
Speaker:I feel a responsibility to like model for my people Like I am so proud of you when you show
Speaker:up in your territory in your role and own your space And I am equally proud of you when you
Speaker:can like end your workday knowing that you had impact and created value and that Like what's
Speaker:tomorrow will still be there tomorrow? Close your laptop close your office door and go be
Speaker:a full present parent, spouse, partner, friend, whatever, like I want that for you because
Speaker:play is equally as important, play and rest are equally as important to be able to then
Speaker:show up the next day and be powerful in your role again and so that's my thoughts. So I
Speaker:completely one million percent agree with you as a leader. Now I'm gonna take that to another
Speaker:aspect of leadership in our work environment from what I've learned in this realm, right?
Speaker:I've learned the those boundaries. So now for me as a supervisor when I see management...
Speaker:who hasn't, they don't understand those boundaries quite yet. So they come down and they have
Speaker:the ask, hey, I need your officers, I need your people, I need them right now. Phones start
Speaker:going and emails start going off and text messages and if you know me in that personal capacity,
Speaker:you're probably chuckling. Because you know what, now I'm a gatekeeper to protect those
Speaker:employees. I'm the one that's gonna push back on management. it and say, Hey, that person
Speaker:is not working. They're on a day off. You're not calling them. There's no need to call them
Speaker:right now to ask is a life or death? Are people dying? No. All right, relax. I think we could
Speaker:probably do like a whole and entirely separate episode just on like boundaries in the work.
Speaker:I could do a 40 hour course. All right, wait, let's recap. Let's recap before we go down
Speaker:a rabbit hole. Okay, so Examples of boundaries, right? So we talked about the brick wall, when
Speaker:it is potentially not healthy and when it might be needed and healthy for enforcement. We talked
Speaker:about the doormat example, which as a recovering doormat, I'm going to tell you it is never
Speaker:healthy. There's never a time when you should have absolutely no boundaries whatsoever. Even
Speaker:in your most intimate relationships, even with you, you are the person in my life who is closer
Speaker:to me than anyone else in existence, even with you and how close and connected I want to always
Speaker:be with you, like there are still, there's still like in some way boundaries that just say like,
Speaker:this is my need. And same for you to communicate it like this. I'd say you're top three that
Speaker:I'm most connected with. Tell me who these other two are. I'm gonna go murder them! Okay, and
Speaker:then, so let's, let's finally get to the last example. The last example, which I think is
Speaker:like the goal and an example of what is a healthy boundary and I like to call it the yoga ball.
Speaker:I have no clue what that means. You're gonna learn today. So the yoga ball, this is an example
Speaker:of a boundary that is like a gentle reminder. Like it just tells people like, this is my
Speaker:need. It's here. you can't walk through this boundary, you can bump up against it so that
Speaker:you can be reminded that it exists, it's not going to hurt you, it's not going to hurt me,
Speaker:it's just holding space. And that's what the yoga ball is. The yoga ball is just like, this
Speaker:is my need. You can brush up against it and bump it if you need to, but it's going to gently
Speaker:push you back. Can you give an example? Cause I'm not know if I'm following you here. Um,
Speaker:an example of a healthy boundary. No example of what is the yoga ball scenario? I mean,
Speaker:that is, that is an example of. Oh, it's a metaphor. Yes. It's not literal. You're not walking around
Speaker:in your universe. Are you walking around in your universe with a brick wall slamming people
Speaker:into it? I absolutely am. I'm certainly not walking around with a doormat laying it on
Speaker:top of me.
Speaker:It's just, it's a, it's a metaphor for a healthy boundary. So can, let's do it like this. Can
Speaker:you provide an example of when you feel like someone brushed up against a potential boundary
Speaker:for you, you gave them some feedback, whether it was verbal or nonverbal, and that boundary
Speaker:was respected, that would be an example of the yoga ball.
Speaker:Hey there, fella. You're getting a little close. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It's like the smoke detector.
Speaker:It's like an early warning signal. It's like, hey, you know, maybe you don't know that I
Speaker:have this need in our relationship. But here it is in like a super casual and friendly and
Speaker:compassionate presentation. Because if you love me, you will respect this need and you will
Speaker:want and desire to fulfill it. So I can do the same for you. Also, I think the batteries are
Speaker:dead in our smoke detector. Yeah, they definitely are. Okay. Okay, so cool thing about the yoga
Speaker:ball metaphor or cool thing about a healthy boundary is that you can move it and adjust
Speaker:it at any time, right? Based on the person, your connection with that person, based on
Speaker:the environment, because there might be times when you more firmly hold a boundary or loose
Speaker:the boundary up based on time or place, or keep them there, right? Hug or handshake? Hug or
Speaker:handshake. Oh yeah, all right, we're not there, we're not at the hug, we're back at the handshake,
Speaker:but now we're back in and we're... Right, but there's lots of non-verbals that communicate
Speaker:to the person in advance of the awkward hug whether or not you want to do like a half hug
Speaker:and the other you don't you don't go in and you get the awkward stare i mean i'm a hugger
Speaker:so i'm going in you need to tell me you don't want that you've never had an interaction where
Speaker:you go to hug the other person like leans back and you're like, can you do it or not? Yeah,
Speaker:I definitely have that. Yeah, okay. Yeah, but like, the person is hopefully non-verbally
Speaker:or verbally communicating to you. Like one of my dearest friends, she is not a hugger, okay?
Speaker:She does not want your physical affirmation. It is not welcome to her. And even me, like,
Speaker:I know she loves me, but I know she doesn't want my physical affirmation all over her.
Speaker:She's communicated that boundary to me. tells me, dude, I'm not a hugger, like, don't. And
Speaker:it's good. Like, even though I am a hugger, it doesn't hurt me that I can't share that
Speaker:with her because I know me respecting that is actually me loving her, and that's okay. You
Speaker:know? Maybe we'll get there one day. You know who you are. I'm coming for ya. Moving on.
Speaker:Wow, we've talked about, we are like, we have so many questions here. Where are we at? Oh
Speaker:my goodness. Okay. Let's talk about, I feel like this is actually, this actually is, I
Speaker:think, a natural segue into boundary circles. Because we've talked about kind of different
Speaker:examples of boundaries. The brick wall, the doormat, the yoga ball. So now we know boundaries,
Speaker:what are net healthy boundaries, when do we need to communicate them to people and how?
Speaker:Now there's this... I like this visual representation of boundaries, which is called boundary circles,
Speaker:and of course, like, we're communicating to you, you can't see this. But imagine in your
Speaker:mind's eye a bull's eye, like a target, okay? And the center dot is you, okay? You are at
Speaker:the center of the bull's eye. And then around you is your first immediate circle, okay? inner
Speaker:circle. That's like your tribe, your most intimate connections, your immediate family, probably
Speaker:very, very few friends. Outside of that next bullseye is your middle circle, so you might
Speaker:put like your extended family in there, maybe some friends, and then outside of that is your
Speaker:outer circle. So that might be like acquaintances or co-workers, okay? So you've got
Speaker:of our boundary circles. We are in the middle, then our inner circle, then our circle, outer
Speaker:circle. When you think about that Sam, that visual representation, is there anything that
Speaker:stands out to you even just about that image in your mind's eye of like the bull's eye and
Speaker:how it represents boundaries?
Speaker:Are you serious? Yes. I better be in your inner circle. No, no, not inner circle is that inner
Speaker:circle. Like, like the Mimi, you're pretty close in there. You bounce between the me to the
Speaker:inner circle. So you can only you. I love you so much. But you can come into the me. Oh,
Speaker:that's so kind of you. Because there's a different. It's different for me than the inner circle.
Speaker:I like your symbiote. I'm just like I'm just imagining me like a spider monkey on your back
Speaker:with my arms wrapped around you and I'm just like hi. I described it to you like this you
Speaker:know sometimes it's like because if it's just me then who's got my back so for me it's like
Speaker:this huge world and I don't want my back against the wall so for me I always picture it is we're
Speaker:back to back we have each other's back we have 360 degree security against the world. So that's
Speaker:when I say I kind of have you in my me circle because it's me and you. I love that, thank
Speaker:you. And I'm not, it is, it's a very personal thing for me to say. You're an okay guy. Yeah,
Speaker:thanks. Top three. Okay, so inner circle. Inner circle. Small tribe. Who's in it? Who's in
Speaker:your inner circle? You don't name names, but like, how big is your inner circle? How small
Speaker:is it? Like, who do you put in there? Like you personally. So like you just said, those friends
Speaker:that come over and don't need to knock, I'd say those are our inner circle friends. Yeah.
Speaker:Is that where our kids go? Yes! Okay, just checking. I mean, I put our kids in my inner circle.
Speaker:They might, they might not be in your, these aren't like rules, right? No, I'm being, I'm
Speaker:joking. Oh, okay, I was like dang. For those listening, I have a very dry sense of humor.
Speaker:You even got me on that one. I'm like, who? Yes, of course my kids are there.
Speaker:You know, so like you have immediate family, like yes, us immediate family, absolutely.
Speaker:Those, those Those friends that we consider not blood, but we consider family. And for
Speaker:those of you who have served overseas or if you've served in the first responder capacity,
Speaker:that trauma bonding that happens, some of those core friendships, you might not see them every
Speaker:day, but there's my brothers, they're my sisters. and when they call I answer no matter what
Speaker:so you know those I still consider them whether I see them every day or not I still consider
Speaker:them in my inner circle. Middle circle who's in your middle circle? Middle circle um those
Speaker:are my buddies good friends I know so. Earbrows? I'm not a So I know like you talked about outer
Speaker:circle being co-workers, but like I just mentioned, you know being that first responder I definitely
Speaker:have some co-workers that are yes middle or inner. Sorry. Yes for sure. Yes You know my
Speaker:the ones that work with me do Yeah, I mean they're the ones that I'll send a silly reel to yeah,
Speaker:but I don't send them to anyone else So that's yeah I know exactly what you're saying I think
Speaker:this is actually like, this is a good way to go into this next kind of portion or question
Speaker:is like, how do you promote- or downgrade the circle that somebody is in, right? Because
Speaker:like, let's be honest, like if you're new to a working environment, like, or someone is
Speaker:new to your existing working environment, just using this example of coworkers, cause this
Speaker:is where we're coming from, like they probably start in the outer circle, right? Absolutely.
Speaker:Cause you're just like, you're like, Oh, you've got to earn your way. Yeah, you've got your
Speaker:arm's length out and you're like, I'm like, I'm not really sure that I fully know or trust
Speaker:you yet. in my trust bank, I need to understand that we are like aligned in values, and then
Speaker:also I need to know and believe and understand that like work stays at work, and if we're
Speaker:going to have a personal relationship, it's going to be separate. And so that's just a
Speaker:work example, but like, how do you determine how someone is promoted from outer circle to
Speaker:inner circle to inner circle or vice versa? How do you determine if someone is downgraded?
Speaker:Like they're in, they were in your inner circle. they've done something that you need to earn
Speaker:your trust through their deeds, earn your trust, you navigate inward. you lose my trust, you're
Speaker:going to move If we go respond that I train you on a
Speaker:you do what you've been taught to do and you are receptive to the guidance in that act you
Speaker:begin to earn my trust and you navigate your way inward and it's it is as a supervisor as
Speaker:a leader it was one of the most rewarding feelings that you could feel yeah for sure and then
Speaker:I think too like just for me for me
Speaker:I'm navigating, I'm establishing, well initially, navigating for me, establishing any boundaries
Speaker:at all, you know, and then me kind of gradually like repairing my relationships. I think probably
Speaker:the most challenging ones to maintain for me have been the people who were invited into
Speaker:my inner circle at one point when I didn't have great boundaries, and me coming to a place
Speaker:of being ready and healed enough to communicate that to them, and then their willingness to
Speaker:respond and respect those boundaries. So if you have been in my inner circle and me going
Speaker:through this healing journey and I have created a pattern in our relationship that doesn't
Speaker:feel good for me and I want to share that with you now, right? Like, you have stayed in my
Speaker:inner circle if I've communicated that to you, and you have respected and honored that and
Speaker:helped me grow in it. You have been downgraded from my inner circle if I communicated that
Speaker:need to you and, like, it was not respected or valued, right? Because it's like, ultimately
Speaker:to me, the communication of It's me expressing a core need to you and saying, like, I want
Speaker:to feel safe with you, I want to feel loved by you, and to achieve those things. I need
Speaker:your actions to align in this way. And so if you choose not to do that after I've said it
Speaker:or expressed it or in some way communicated it to you, you're telling me that you don't
Speaker:love or value me or that I'm not safe with you. And that to me is like, oh, go, go. Then I
Speaker:start needing to put distance because like I'm they call it hugging a cactus Hugging the cat.
Speaker:I just heard this analogy the other day Hugging a cactus like you're trying to love something
Speaker:that is just yeah, not Reciprocating respectful. Yeah, and is outright hurtful That has been
Speaker:the hardest for me is like as like I have actually repaired from the outside in like I repaired
Speaker:from my outer circles and middle circles and the hardest and most challenging work that
Speaker:I have done has been in my inner circle and it's me. Hi, I'm the problem. It was me. Ta-ta.
Speaker:You know? And like, it's so difficult. It's difficult to take responsibility for that.
Speaker:It's difficult to lose the level of connection with people that I really love and value and
Speaker:would love to continue to have in my life. Um, yeah. The Inner Circle has been the most challenging
Speaker:for me personally, but on the other side of it, it has also been the most rewarding. Yes.
Speaker:For sure. Um. Okay, so that's boundary circles. The bullseye people. Protect your inner circle.
Speaker:Know how to promote and downgrade people, and identify what are your catalysts for change.
Speaker:Okay, Sam, I got one for you. Oh boy. Ooh! What are some of the environments or seasons in
Speaker:your life where you feel you've struggled most with maintaining healthy boundaries?
Speaker:Well, I feel like, you know, I've talked it. We've talked about work enough, right? So.
Speaker:Just doing a sand pause there for a minute. I had a really hard time and I was coming back
Speaker:from Afghanistan and my dad's health was not good. And that, my family dynamic at that level,
Speaker:my former immediate family, I guess you would refer to it. But it... listen I understand
Speaker:we all have families every once in a while people you know become the proverbial black sheep
Speaker:but when you're trying to when you're when I was when you're struggling to get better and
Speaker:those boundaries are pulling you down your tread and water and those bond the lack of boundaries
Speaker:with that with your family element is pulling you underwater to the
Speaker:Unwell it's making you it's not making you better. It's making you worse
Speaker:And you'll find that people want... We can't control other people's narratives of us. Some
Speaker:people will just naturally want... us to be the villain in their story. We can't control
Speaker:that. We control the fact that we are not the villain in our story. You're the hero in your
Speaker:own story. Or at least you should be. You should be. Yeah. And that was a hard pill because
Speaker:I was... I kept... being told and I kept believing that I was the villain in my story. And that's
Speaker:the thing though, is that like, when you bring people into your inner circle, you invite their
Speaker:influence because like you, you like, you trust and believe in their opinion and their feedback.
Speaker:It carries great weight to you. So you have to be cognizant of who you bring into your
Speaker:inner circle because
Speaker:values like exponentially increases with within each circle that they're in so your inner circle
Speaker:like if you have a bunch of people in your inner circle who are giving you like really critical
Speaker:and negative feedback like and it doesn't align when you're at your most vulnerable and you're
Speaker:very vulnerable because most vulnerable yeah so could have a very negative impact like on
Speaker:your self-worth so I had to take a step away from my family so that I can mentally get a
Speaker:little bit better, get above water, and just try and understand what I need to do mentally
Speaker:to get better. And since then I've tried to make attempts to, you know, heal those wounds.
Speaker:I've tried, but setting that initial boundary was one of the hardest things I've had to do
Speaker:in my life. Yeah. You know, and... Yeah, and I've done a lot of tough stuff, but you know
Speaker:that boundary was so hard. You know, and I know I was... I saw a couple people mention in your...
Speaker:insiders had mentioned something similar and it kind of like warmed my heart to think that
Speaker:you know hey I wasn't the only one that went through that tough hard boundary setting thing
Speaker:and yeah um and I forget who the young lady's name was but I you know it inspired me to hear
Speaker:her posting on that. So thank you for sharing that. Just know that I had a very hard similar
Speaker:scenario. So I feel you sister. Yeah so if you're not hanging out with us in our Love Yourself
Speaker:Letter podcast insiders Facebook group. We would love for you to join us over there. One of
Speaker:our insiders, Heidi, when we were kind of like, ideating on this topic, she shared one of the
Speaker:stretchy places for her, where she struggled with maintaining healthy boundaries, was in
Speaker:her relationship with her own parents, and how that influenced her parents' relationship and
Speaker:her relationship with her children. And I think family boundaries are always a little bit sticky.
Speaker:And I'm... Even Sam, like I can very much relate to this, just like, you know, going through
Speaker:recovery with one of my family members who, you know, has like struggled lifelong with
Speaker:addiction. And I was very much a part of their support network in, you know, our younger years.
Speaker:And you know, you know, like gradually growing out of that role in their life has been very
Speaker:difficult because it's like... You know, I love this person, I want to see them succeed, I
Speaker:want to have them in my life and have a strong and connected relationship, but if it comes
Speaker:to a place where... that person's influence in my life has a negative impact on my children
Speaker:because where they are at, personally, I have to come to a place where I set that healthy
Speaker:boundary, not only for me, but for the other people in my inner circle that I treasure.
Speaker:If I'm allowing this person to behave this way, I'm virtually saying, in my space, I'm virtually
Speaker:saying, I support and endorse this, and I don't, you know?
Speaker:difficult family boundary for me to set, you know, to say, like, I love you, but I can't
Speaker:have you directly influencing me, my life, and my children until you are in a healed and whole
Speaker:place, you know. So I can very much relate to that. And then one of our other
Speaker:A season in life where she has struggled with maintaining healthy boundaries has been with
Speaker:her friendships as she has grown personally. It does require you, as you level up as an
Speaker:individual in your personal growth, it sort of requires all the relationships in your life
Speaker:to level up to. A rising tide raises all boats. Yeah.
Speaker:you and some of them won't be and I think we did touch on this a little bit so it was interesting
Speaker:to see that like it's a theme for others in our community too is that like it can sometimes
Speaker:make you question though like am I growing in the right direction if there are people who
Speaker:are in my life that have been in my life for a very long time that are like oh no this new
Speaker:you is not for me it does make you go and look or at least it does for me make you go back
Speaker:and look internally like oh am I growing in the right direction because like I love this
Speaker:person I thought they were coming with me, but they're not, you know, and then if you do that
Speaker:self reflection, and you're like, No, yes, like I love where I'm going. And I'm proud of this.
Speaker:And like, that stinks that person is not coming along with me. So I mean, I have a friend who
Speaker:I consider to be in our inner circle. And, you know, I, I wanted to rise as I was moving forward,
Speaker:I really wanted to bring them up with us. And I say us, because I think that the person is
Speaker:in both of our inner circles. And man,
Speaker:I was really saddened to see that the opposite happened and they kind of swam out of our inner
Speaker:circle and it just kind of hurts my heart. Yeah. You know what though, that's not to say that
Speaker:like. other people aren't on their own healing journey and that they don't need their own.
Speaker:That's a good point. That's a very fair and good point. Like space and time, to say that
Speaker:if our paths crossed again at some point in the future, and we did find that our values
Speaker:and needs were aligned, that would be something else. But anyway. Can I say something? So.
Speaker:Me and one of my good friends, actually my friend Ed that I had referenced earlier, were discussing
Speaker:a movie. And it talks a lot about this on a very metaphorical level. It talks about setting
Speaker:boundaries. It talks about, you know, being the bigger person and trying to help someone
Speaker:overcome their personal trauma and bringing that next person up with you.
Speaker:So sorry, this thought just came to mind and it was something that me and my buddy, Ed,
Speaker:that I talked about earlier, frequently would discuss. And it's a movie. It's a movie that
Speaker:metaphorically talks about working through personal trauma, working through it in a professional
Speaker:capacity, trying to get lead others to work through their trauma and. Setting you know
Speaker:understanding when someone you don't have healthy boundaries and you're pulling someone down,
Speaker:you know It's a it's a movie called The Guardian stars Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher Not
Speaker:a very popular movie You the Nicole role of we turn a movie on and you fall asleep in the
Speaker:opening scenes. It's not that I don't want to watch it, it's just that I'm so cozy. It's
Speaker:such a greatly written movie. It's about these individuals that are serving in the Coast Guard
Speaker:as a rescue swimmer. The writing's great, acting's great, but the story, when you really break
Speaker:it down... It just relates so well. So if you get the chance, it's worth a watch. Sorry,
Speaker:that was my two cents. Yeah, that's a good one. Okay, so curiosity. Maybe this is to positively
Speaker:impact our marriage. What specific boundaries are not... Excuse me, sir. Yes, I see the notes.
Speaker:Okay. Says I ask you. Oh. Alright. But the answer is from you. Yeah, I don't know. I think so.
Speaker:Note writer messed that up. Well, if you had gotten on the Google Doc. I don't. Google Docs,
Speaker:bro. Well, guess what? You're a podcast host now. You need to level up your tech, sir. I'm
Speaker:a co-host? I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm a guest host? I don't know. You're basically
Speaker:a guest at this point. You're a guest right now. If you can't get on this Google Doc, you
Speaker:are a guest. Bye. Okay, go ahead, ask your question. What specific boundaries are non-negotiable
Speaker:for you?
Speaker:Things that you can't compromise on because they have value or fulfill a core need
Speaker:It was on the Google doc. Yeah, but I thought I was asking you this question. It's all good.
Speaker:You wrote S2M. I know, you're right. I'm sorry, what? Is that live on the podcast? You were
Speaker:right. Please don't edit that out. No, I'm leaving it in. Specific boundaries that are non-negotiable
Speaker:for you, for me. I'm gonna put notes to this question to collect my thoughts. Now I'm rambling.
Speaker:Um, the word that is sticking out in my mind is just like, is integrity. It is incredibly
Speaker:important and valued to me in all of my relationships that I know that you are. doing and saying
Speaker:the right things, like that you are presenting yourself as the same person, like to my face
Speaker:and behind closed doors and in your interactions with other people that you are showing up authentically,
Speaker:that I can trust that the version of yourself that you are sharing with me is the truest
Speaker:version of yourself. Um. that to me is non-negotiable. I would prefer, like every person that I truly
Speaker:love, I would prefer your ugly truth over your pretty painted picture of who you think that
Speaker:I want you to be. Integrity is non-negotiable for me.
Speaker:Yeah, how about you? Specific boundaries that are non-negotiable for you? Yeah, you don't
Speaker:get to violate my home boundary. What does that mean? Home boundary, kinda like when we were
Speaker:talking about when I was establishing those work boundaries. Hey, you need to stop what
Speaker:you're doing and do X, Y, Z. And this actually happened the other day. I was on the Essex
Speaker:steam train with you. And the girls, or no, that was just Nora.
Speaker:so it was like hey no I'm not doing that thing I'm out on a steam train ride with my family
Speaker:gypsies being a playful little buddy now. Why do we have so many cats? That's the real question.
Speaker:You know what my non-negotiable boundary is? A particular number of cats. We no longer have
Speaker:a rodent issue. Dude, you have a problem. We do not need this many cats. We were on a farm
Speaker:with a rodent issue. We no longer have a rodent issue. You're welcome. You are not on a farm
Speaker:anymore. All your cats are in the house. They're not doing their job in the barn. Anyway, home
Speaker:boundaries, Essex steam train. Yes, so I, you know, doing, sitting at home, doing all the
Speaker:after hours work. I understand there's times where I do have to, but you know, I put myself
Speaker:in a work status compensated for it but and you know what I'll be honest like my
Speaker:go get the carrot from your cat this is ridiculous but he never gets to play now is not the time
Speaker:for carrot cat all right well he's dealing with carrot cat I actually want to circle back we're
Speaker:gonna circle back, to the conversation or the non-negotiable boundary that I shared, which
Speaker:was about, like, having integrity in our connection and our relationship and showing up as your
Speaker:most authentic self. I just want to revisit that topic because the reason why it is such,
Speaker:like, a core need for me is because... I have a very strong, like, sense of people. Like
Speaker:I get, like, an intuition about people. And when someone is showing up, like, as their
Speaker:most genuine self, it just...it builds such trust for me. that I immediately want to invite
Speaker:them in. Yeah. And on the other end of that spectrum, like there are so many times when
Speaker:I really want to enhance my connection with someone, but I sense or feel that there are
Speaker:aspects of themselves that they're withholding from me. And so I can't invite them into other...
Speaker:circles in my boundary bullseye because I feel like if you are withholding elemental parts
Speaker:of yourself from our relationship, then you don't trust me yet, right? And like I can't
Speaker:promote you into the next ring in my circle if I haven't earned your trust in some way
Speaker:or like if there are elements of our relationship that remain hidden. You know what I'm trying
Speaker:to say? normal evolutions of relationships this is going to naturally happen like I'm not I'm
Speaker:not going to me you know Joe Willikers off the street and throw him my life story I've been
Speaker:burned too many times so I yeah and that's why we're having this podcast right now no boundary
Speaker:Congratulations that's why we're here. So yeah I mean as you and I think that's absolutely
Speaker:what you just said is absolutely normal and don't take offense to it. As you develop and
Speaker:foster the relationship as you develop and foster the trust those things that they're holding
Speaker:on to because I'm only going to release those nuggets. as someone has earned my trust, as
Speaker:I feel safe and secure in their sphere. So... But yes, I do think that the trust is an element
Speaker:of it. But I also believe that that... In some ways, like, in society, like, we have normalized
Speaker:people walking around with masks on, and a lot of times they don't even realize that they
Speaker:are putting people at a distance or withholding things from themselves, or that people can
Speaker:see through their mask, and so they don't realize that they're not fulfilling that need in our
Speaker:relationship because, like, they don't have an
Speaker:Like it is so obvious and it's just like it hurts. I'm like I really I want I want to see
Speaker:you I don't care if it's ugly. Okay, so here's the thing We I talk I shared a story about
Speaker:when I was in Utah and I didn't realize I had a wall until my buddy Said hey, you're okay.
Speaker:You're in a safe spot I didn't realize that was a thing until he kind of shook my shoulders
Speaker:and then I was able to shed that level of call it. I was able to drop that wall. I didn't
Speaker:know the wall was there. So I mean I had a That was a great friend who took a step to help
Speaker:me take a step. Right. So as we move through our relationships, don't think that person's
Speaker:holding this back, maybe that person needs you to take that step forward and work through
Speaker:that piece that they're working through or don't even realize they're working through. So I
Speaker:don't know that that's where my brain went when you said that. Yeah. It's much sense. Okay.
Speaker:So this is good. Um, what advice would you give to someone who felt like their boundaries were
Speaker:being crossed? Okay
Speaker:The key to this one is going to be communication. You're not going to like it. You know why?
Speaker:Cause it's sometimes it's an uncomfortable communication. I mean, some people might like it. Someone
Speaker:what? Some people might like it. Oh, I, listen, I have had more uncomfortable conversations
Speaker:this year. than ever before. But don't you think that the more that you have them, the easier
Speaker:it gets? Yes, I do. And I think that I've seen so much personal development in the people
Speaker:that I'm interacting with, and with myself through these uncomfortable conversations, I like to
Speaker:call them. brave conversations. Because it's like if you call it uncomfortable you're like
Speaker:predicting that it's going to be uncomfortable. Now when you say brave conversations I should
Speaker:think of the Brave Little Toaster, one of my favorite cartoons of all time. You are a Brave
Speaker:Little Toaster. Dude, that was a great little short film. So that's a short cartoon. It's
Speaker:a solid movie so why wouldn't you want to be like a Brave Little Toaster? Is it really a
Speaker:movie or is it a short film? It's a movie! Okay. Anyway. It's a brave conversation because I
Speaker:do think it takes courage. to give people feedback to set a boundary and it takes courage for
Speaker:that person to receive that. Let's call them critical conversations. No, I don't like that.
Speaker:I'm calling it brave. You can call it whatever you want. Yeah, well, that's what I wrote in
Speaker:the notes. Uncomfortable is what you wrote. Yeah, because you're making me uncomfortable.
Speaker:Good. Okay, Jaco. All right. So some things you can think about. The the I statement instead
Speaker:of the you statement. Why, Nicole, why do you feel like that could be important? Because
Speaker:I think sometimes when we have these brave conversations that like we want to stay out of the sphere
Speaker:of like placing or assigning blame or ownership. Like. I can control my actions, I can control
Speaker:what I think and believe, and I can control how I respond. I can't control you, your actions,
Speaker:what you think or believe, or how you respond. But I think it's almost like a knee-jerk reaction
Speaker:when people feel like they have a boundary that has been crossed for them to communicate it
Speaker:to somebody by being like, well, you did
Speaker:communicating your need, it's simply just like highlighting someone else's behavior that you
Speaker:have no control over. So I think using I statements instead of like you messages or like exclamations
Speaker:is really supportive and just like, I don't know, like minimizing tension just to be like,
Speaker:listen, like, you know. one XYZ thing took place. Like, it made me feel blah blah. You know.
Speaker:I would like to feel closer to you and to achieve that we could change X, Y, Z. And so instead
Speaker:of being like you, and the person just receiving blame like bullets, you take some ownership
Speaker:over the situation, effectively communicate your need, and I don't know.
Speaker:Like, you want to respect and honor that person's needs as well? Like... I don't know. You know
Speaker:what I'm trying to say? Oh, I do because I just I explain to you that I had a horrible day
Speaker:at work and my horrible day started with management coming down with you, you. And then, you know
Speaker:what that meant? I laced up my freaking boxing gloves and I was like, let's go. Yes. I spent
Speaker:an entire eight hour day in a boxing match with management over ridiculousness. But I bet you
Speaker:that. Oh, yeah. Say it. Please do. I bet you that if in the delivery of that feedback, person
Speaker:had taken some ownership over the situation and focused on the self instead of you that
Speaker:it would have diffused it because you would have felt like the approach was collaborative
Speaker:instead of blame-placing absolutely
Speaker:so like I had and I tried we have a challenging four-year-old right She constantly is teaching
Speaker:me that if my approach with her is not working, I need to stop, detach, reassess the situation,
Speaker:attack it from a new position, right? Come at her from a new angle. I'm trying to use different
Speaker:frameworks for different peoples, right? So she constantly forces me to do that, which
Speaker:is amazing because, you know, when I was having a... one of my employees I was trying to reach
Speaker:kind of went into that realm of almost as if I was doing the you and I wanted to be very
Speaker:intentional with the hate I need to help I need to we need to achieve this mission how can
Speaker:I get you there and it became defensive I had to I thought of my daughter and I was like,
Speaker:all right, stop, detach, let's recess the scenario. Let's approach it from a different angle. I
Speaker:need you to, we got to get the thing done. So let's, you know, how can I get you there? And
Speaker:you know, I'm very thankful that my four year old is teaching me leadership, you know, challenges,
Speaker:but she is and I'm super happy about it. But there's no way I can approach that from a you,
Speaker:you. It couldn't. Yeah, I think... I... I think basically every circumstance can be diffused
Speaker:by infusing some ownership. By embodying ownership and accepting that everybody owns a little
Speaker:slice of this pie, it brings us into a space of like, let's do this together, we're a team.
Speaker:And that always moves the conversation in a more positive direction. Okay. Let's wrap this
Speaker:puppy on up. What do you think? Okay, so each episode we share an actionable way to implement
Speaker:what we are learning together so you can start weaving an intentional practice of self-love
Speaker:into the fabric of your beautiful life. And so for this episode's Love Yourself Louder
Speaker:Challenge, we are going to hook you up with the three steps to setting healthy boundaries.
Speaker:And so...
Speaker:Yeah, identify your wants and needs. So, what are your non-negotiables? What are things that
Speaker:preserve your peace? What are things that honor your self-worth? Step two, challenge and reframe
Speaker:your thoughts that get in the way of setting clear boundaries. Yeah, don't fall into the
Speaker:trap of prioritizing other people's wants or needs over your own,
Speaker:feeling uncomfortable about having a conversation that might lead to conflict. I think sometimes
Speaker:we can avoid maintaining our boundaries or allowing people to cross them because we're afraid of
Speaker:that uncomfortable conversation. Step three, visualize yourself setting that boundary and
Speaker:say it out loud. Yeah, say it louder. Louder. So loud. So cool thing, like your brain
Speaker:doing something and you actually doing it. So you can strengthen these new neural pathways
Speaker:in your brain by visualizing yourself, setting this healthy boundary. Like literally just
Speaker:take a few minutes to imagine having this conversation with that person, see yourself saying these
Speaker:words, visualize them receiving it in a positive way, like allow yourself to just soak in the
Speaker:emotional response you get to that. Sometimes saying these healthy boundaries out loud is
Speaker:another way to strengthen these neural pathways. Like earlier on the episode when Sam had mentioned,
Speaker:in the present tense, you are a people-pleaser. I was like, no, I used to be. I used to be
Speaker:a people-pleaser. I once was. Even saying it out loud, the more often that you do that,
Speaker:it strengthens these new neural pathways and helps you cloak yourself in the truth of this
Speaker:new identity. So, three steps to setting healthy boundaries. Identify your wants and needs,
Speaker:challenge and reframe your thoughts that get in the way of setting clear and healthy boundaries,
Speaker:and visualize yourself setting that boundary and say it out loud. Out loud! So, if you've
Speaker:got burning questions or self-love celebrations, drop them in the Love Yourself Louder treasure
Speaker:chest. Thank you so much to our insiders who shared some of their insights from their journey.
Speaker:It's wonderful to be able to highlight you guys on each episode. Share the love, spread the
Speaker:wisdom, submit your questions at love backslash questions. We can't wait to dive into your
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